NATION FALLING BEHIND, GOVERNMENT CONFIRMS
Nobody has been identified as being ahead. Authorities say this does not affect the seriousness of the situation.
The Ministry of Comparative Affairs has declared a national state of urgency following widespread reports that citizens are falling behind in life.
The announcement came after a woman aged 34 contacted the Ministry to report that she was running out of time.
"How much time do you have left?" an official asked.
"I don't know."
"What are you trying to finish?"
"Everything."
The official opened a file.
By lunchtime, the Ministry had received similar reports from 11,000 citizens, including a student who believed he should already own property, a newly married woman concerned that her friends had more successful marriages and a retired businessman who felt he had retired too early.
The Ministry convened an emergency meeting.
The Minister opened proceedings by asking whether anyone knew where the country was supposed to be going.
Nobody answered.
The Deputy Minister suggested that the destination might be success.
"What does success look like?" asked the Minister.
The Deputy Minister referred the question to a subcommittee.
The comparison problem
Investigators visited the home of a 42-year-old engineer who had recently become dissatisfied with his life.
Until Tuesday, the engineer had considered himself reasonably fortunate. He had a home, a family and work he enjoyed.
On Tuesday morning, he learnt that a former classmate had purchased a second house in London.
"I suddenly realised I was behind," he told investigators.
"Behind whom?"
"My classmate."
"Was he racing you?"
"No."
"Did he know you were competing?"
"I doubt it."
"Then how did you lose?"
The engineer requested a lawyer.
In another case, a 29-year-old woman told investigators she was worried about being unmarried.
Her mother confirmed that the situation was serious.
Asked whether her daughter was unhappy, the mother replied that this was beside the point.
"People are asking questions."
The Ministry has opened a separate inquiry into the identity of these people.
So far, nobody has supplied a name.
Conflicting evidence
The investigation became more complicated when officials discovered that citizens considered successful by others were also reporting that they were behind.
A wealthy businessman said he felt unsuccessful because a younger businessman was wealthier.
The younger businessman was unavailable for comment. His assistant confirmed that he had recently begun comparing himself with a third businessman.
The third businessman could not be located.
An international search is under consideration.
An unexpected witness
Late yesterday, investigators interviewed a 76-year-old woman sitting outside her house.
She was watching two birds argue over a piece of bread.
"Madam, do you ever feel you are falling behind?" an investigator asked.
"Behind what?"
"Life."
She looked at him for a while.
"Where has it gone?"
The investigator checked his questionnaire.
There was no box for her answer.
He marked her response as incomplete.
Official statement
The Minister has reassured citizens that the government is committed to ensuring nobody falls behind.
A national timetable for living is being prepared.
The timetable will specify appropriate ages for marriage, financial independence, career advancement and general satisfaction.
Asked whether citizens would be permitted to follow different paths, the Minister said exceptions could be considered upon written application.
Applications must be submitted before the relevant deadline.
The Ministry has yet to determine the deadline.
Meanwhile, citizens have been advised to continue as normal.
Several have requested clarification.
